Bootstrapper.com - Confessions of Serial Entrepreneurs

So recently i’ve been talking to one of my old partners that decided to go to law school - of course he’s not going to be a lawyer - it was just a break for him - he’s going into a new startup but he asked me how I built up my network … let me quote him below…

“you have that advantage as you are in NYC ….. do you just randomly email people and be like “lets have lunch” , what do you do?

btw, i spent a solid 20 minutes on bootstrapper, i’m impressed buddy, i’m kinda glad that the world is being exposed to your mind, in all its eccentricities ;)”

Now the second half of that quote is clearly an ego boost for me but let’s focus on the first half. Do I do just email people and ask them to lunch? Sometimes. It actually works. Ask people you admire if you can buy them a cup of coffee because you look up to them. 1/3 times someone will likely say yes. Of course if you come off like a stalker - they will say no. But be simple and polite and it could work.

I usually meet people via my network and friends but probably meet one new person a month just by reaching out cold. When I do, I always do so on neutral ground when I can and never try to do business with the person, I try to learn and see If i can help them. Then, people are more likely to try to help you - if you provide value first.

To conclude, simply asking people for coffee or a drink can be all you need to get your feet off the ground … and running…

So I would like to make a distinction in our initial relationships are formed. Most people talk about a first impression, I talk about it in terms of a First Touch Experience. An impression is a brief hello. A First Touch Experience is the first time you really interacted. You could have briefly met at a party or event but not really talked - and while first impressions “mean everything” they really don’t. A poor first impression can be corrected with a solid first touch experience. Next time you meet someone new, think for a second as to why you are meeting them and what you are talking about. Are you selling something? Selling yourself? or creating meaningful experience? A conversation is a meaningful experience, so is sharing a laugh, telling someone for 6 minutes about your widget is not. Make sure the first time you experience someone you consciously are aware of the experience. Don’t focus on collecting business cards or making a suave impression. Focus on what that person takes away from the overall experience. Do you really want someone to leave an encounter thinking your a suave salesman? Or would you rather leave that person with them having an experience and wanting more?

So I posted yesterday a blog version of my speech from the Web 2 Meetup. I’ve had a few requests for a simplified version of it so here goes:

The Art of Building Relationships: AKA Networking vs. Picking up Chics … AKA Business vs. Bed Development

The key to life is building relationships. Most people are not good at building relationships so I’m going to talk about the 3 principles of building great relationships and show how all relationships whether Business, Personal or Sexual are really the same. We build them the same ways, the end game is just different but getting to the end zone is exactly the same. People are people.

These principles are about building long term relationships, not short term relationships. If you’re goal is a one night stand or a churn and burn sale then stop reading now. If you’re goal is to build longlasting strong relationships then read on …

The key to successfully using my 3 principles are first and foremost being SINCERE. If you are not sincere in our socially networked world - you will be found out and you will destroy your relationships. Next, you must have confidence and be relaxed. Without confidence people won’t want to be around you and if you aren’t relaxed you may scare people, overwhelm them or just miss the cues & clues going on around you.

The biggest inhibitor to building relationships is that people are naturally scared of people they just met trying to screw them, either in business or sexually. People are scared of being screwed over so the core of my principles are that they will help you build trust and break down the false walls that we set around ourselves.

Now for the 3 principles:

1) Primary Context

2) Separating the people from the product

3) Offer Perceived Value

The first principle is achieving a strong and positive Primary Context. Primary Context is how, where, through whom and under what circumstances you meet someone. There is a huge difference between approaching a girl cold at a bar and getting invited to a private party and being introduced to her by her BFF who says “you are the best guy in the world” when she makes the intro. In business, it’s the difference between meeting someone cold at an open access networking event vs. meeting someone at a private dinner and getting introduced by the host as someone worth talking to. A personal introduction in a private environment is worth meeting 100 people cold. In the world of venture capital, this is why people “in network” of the companies and people they are friends with are taking 10X more seriously than people that send in business plans cold. Making sure your Primary Context is strong is very important to breaking down the barriers and making people want to get to know you opposed to being scared they are going to get screwed. (Maybe, now they want you too!

2) Separating the Person From the Product: The key to this is to remove the person from their existing environment. Ask questions, don’t speak and definitely don’t sell. People love to talk and hate to listen. This is true for women and its true for men. People love venting. Ask people about their goals and dreams and separate them from the present. The average person would rather dream then be in reality, enable that thought process! Don’t ask someone what they do right now - ask someone what they wish they were doing right now? How is this helpful? Say you were hitting on a girl and you guys don’t click, if you were focused on the immediate transaction, then the odds are your relationship will end right there but if you had a conversation and separating her from the present, even if it doesn’t work with you two, maybe she’ll introduce you to her friends. In business, say you two aren’t a fit to work together right now. If you approached the situation with the goal of doing a deal and it doesn’t work - the relationship is over. If however, you’ve built a real relationship, maybe they’ll introduce you to someone else who could be a client. Separate the person from the situation. And please do not ask someone what they do before asking someone their name - that is a transactional action that will not make people want to be around you - instead ask someone what brings them there and where they would rather be and what they would like to be doing…

3) Offer Perceived Value: There is now to actually offer value since value is subjective and in the eye of the beholder but you need to tailor your value to your prospect and make sure to offer them something they want. This could be that you are hot, this could be that you are funny, this could be that you are good in bed,  that you have access to money, are a marketing guru, have a big network, host the events etc… You need to offer something of EXTREME value. Say the girl loves Justin TImberlake - value is not taking her to dinner at his restaurant - anyone can do that. Value is taking her there and getting her introduced to Justin Timberlake. Offer something no one else can in their eyes.

Conclusion:

If you are successful with these 3 principles you will make People Your Promoters and achieve true worth of mouth marketing. The toughest part about word of mouth marketing is how to seed it and these principles will build strong relationships so people talk about you and spread your good word for you.

Case in point: While I rehearsing my speech, a friend of mine who we will call Debbie grabbed me, pulled me aside and said “Richie, I have to introduce to my friend”.  This wasn’t on cue - she was so excited to introduce me to her friend that she said to pull me out of my conversation to do it. This is about as good of word of mouth marketing as you can get. She “HAD” to introduce me…and now her friend is my facebook friend too

What do I do? So this is how I accomplish all of the principles and build great relationships… First I only attend events where I am the host or I’m personally invited to the event (and preferably friends with the host). When I meet people, I try to rely on introductions from others and when I talk to people I never tell people what I do, instead I ask them about themselves, why they are there, where they would rather be and what their goals and dreams are, I then offer advice about how they can accomplish those goals and make a bunch of introductions for them. So I had strong primary context, started a conversation about goals and never mentioned a “transaction” and offered value in the form of my advice and introductions. And if you want to know if it works - just ask anyone who knows me what they think of me … the odds are they will be my biggest promoter

So this is the written version of the speech I gave last week at the Web 2.0 Meetup in front of a couple of hundred people. I was asked by a few people for a copy of it and since I didn’t actually have a written speech, I figured I’d do a post recapping it from my head.

The Art of Building Relationships (AKA: Networking Vs. Picking up Chics, AKA: Business VS. Bed Development)

The key to building relationships is being conscious of your surroundings and self-actualizing (according Maslow) what you do. All relationships are the same whether its in business or personal or sexual. The way we build relationships doesn’t change - just the application of the principles. What I’m about to do is cover the 3 key components to building relationships so that you can do more business, build better friendships and find yourself the love of your life.

A buddy of mine that lectures at MIT always says that MIT students have a tendency to have the largest cubicle but never the corner office. This is because they generally are engineers and not engaged enough socially and at the end of the day - the leader is usually the social one that understands how to intelligently work with the people around him, even if he is not the smartest person himself.

Before, I mention the 3 principles, I would like to take a second and explain why in my mind most people are not inclined to immediately trust each other. The average person is scared that everyone they meet is going to screw them, either literally (sexually) , figuratively (in business) or both. This is a subconscious distrust that is inherent in human nature. The goal of building relationships is feeling comfortable around each other so you’re not worried about being screwed. If you can make people trust you, then you’ve achieved something very valuable.

Note these tactics require being sincere, in a socially networked world if you are not transparent you will be caught. Sure, you may get lucky but it won’t last beyond a night stand or a churn and burn sale. If your goal is either of those then this post is not for you.

Next, it’s important to have confidence and be relaxed. If you aren’t confident nothing will work because people want to be around confident people and if you are not relaxed, you’ll miss things and not be able to actualize and realize what’s going on around you. So assuming you are sincere, confident and relaxed (and I know that’s a lot to ask, here are 3 principles of building relationships, making more money and landing the girl or guy of your dreams.

Now the 3 principles are: 1) Primary Context 2) Separating the people from the product 3) Offer Perceived Value. So what do these principles actually mean?

1) Primary Context: Primary context is the holistic situation around how you meet a person. How you got to place where you met, through whom you met the person, your first impression, your first touch experience etc… Most people just think about a first impression when in reality that is only a tiny piece of the pie. It is important to meet people in the best situation as possible. For example, if you are at a private invite only event and get introduced to someone by the host it is far more valuable and you have a far better chance of building a relationship then meeting someone at an open access party cold. In a dating scenario, would you rather the hostess of an exclusive party introduce you to the birthday girl, her BFF as the most incredible person in the world or would you rather meet someone cold at a bar. It’s a no brainer.

After the initial introduction, the way you come off, your mannerisms, your speech, your dress, the first time you make a connection (not just an impression) with a person are all important and part of primary context. The goal is to create the best Primary Context for yourself as possible.

What do I do? I generally only attend events where I’m the host or where I’m friends with the host. Then I go over to the host and ask them who I should meet and ask them to make an introduction. That gives me instant credibility or I’m the host then I’m the center of attention. Everyone always wants to surround the host and I’ve written before about the Host Halo Effect where no matter what if it’s a good event, the host comes off as king. If this is a personal scenario, I will go to the person throwing the party and say “introduce me to your friends”. Then I will proceed to be me and hope I can charm people with my sincerity, intelligence, humor etc… Remember, it’s not about impressions its about Primary Context.

2) Separate the people from the product: one of the biggest mistakes people make is that they talk about themselves and try to sell things before they build a relationships. This is called business card whoring. You know what I’m talking about. Most people go around and saying “Hi, I’m Richie, can I have your wallet?” and of course you’re not naturally inclined to give it. A lot of times I see people ask what someone does before asking their name. Personally, I try starting a conversation before asking a persons name because the best chance you have at creating a great First Touch Experience is before you even know their name. While you are still mysterious, you have the chance of greatest impact. When people meet each other they make a split second decision of whether they like the person (both personally and sexually) and in general I’d rather have that person intrigued and interested before telling them who I am. That’s an advanced technique, however, the simple solution is to ask questions, get to know someone, make them laugh, offer insight etc… instead of telling people what you do. What you want to do is separate the person from the product they are selling, separate the person from their day to day reality. Ask someone if they are happy, what are their goals, dreams etc… and allow them to dream. If you allow people to dream, they think of how you can help them accomplish their dreams, which is far more valuable then how you can help them today. People want a reason to escape reality - not a reminder that you are there to sell them something. And if you’ve ever listened to a female speak, it’s pretty clear they like when guys ask them questions and listen. In fact, men like talking too! One of the best ways to get a love interest to like you is simply to ask questions and let them speak. No one really cares what you have to say

How do I do it? I never sell anything.  I rarely ever volunteer how we can work together before getting to know the person. I simply talk and carry a conversation. I always ask people about their goals and dreams and where they want to be. People know where they are right now, they don’t need to be reminded but 9/10 people would love to talk about where they want to be. And I never ask people what they can do for me, in fact most people don’t even know what I do

3) Offer Perceived Value: Now this is the hardest and most elusive of the 3 principles. I know it’s not easy but you must actually offer people value. Now, there is no way to guarantee to offer value since value is subjective and you can’t control what people value but you need to offer that specific person someone that they value. It may be worthless to you but something that they value. Value could be your sexy, you’re pretty, you’ve got a great body, you can dance, you’re a connector, you’re an investor, you have access to people, you always know the good parties etc… you offer something that someone wants. If you don’t, then sorry, what value do you offer that that person actually wants to talk to you again. And please don’t tell me how your widget is amazing and that’s the only value you offer. The most valuable perceived value intangible things, stuff people remember not just use.

How do I do it? I have a policy that I will spend a half hour talking to anyone about anything. Whether its a business issue or personal or reviewing someones startup or helping someone rewrite a resume - I will spend a half hour with anyone. Personally, I’m flattered they value me and happy to lend a hand. I do this for free and generally volunteer my help before people even ask. And if the person is legitimate and I think may be able to offer me perceived value in the future, I will make introductions. I will make introductions without strings attached and usually I will make dead on introductions and more than one. People don’t value one introduction. If you are going to make introductions, make multiple - overwhelm the senses with your perceived value. Now I give people my time and open up my network without asking for anything and usually without even people knowing what I do. I ask and offer help before telling people about me. In fact, most people don’t even know what I do. Why do I do it? Because one day when I need something these people will be there for me and volunteer to help. Contrary to popular opinion, most intelligent people don’t actually like free things and are inclined to ask “how can i help you back?”. Most people naturally aren’t inclined to help but if you help them first without asking for anything, they naturally are inclined to go out of their general nature and try to help you back.

Now, if you’re successful with these 3 principles then People will Become Your Promoters! You will trigger word of mouth  marketing on a level so strong, that your initial relationships will be great and every person you are introduced to will instantly trust you and want to get to know you. Word of Mouth Marketing is great but you need to Seed it - this is the best way to seed it by building relationships with people who then become your greatest marketers.

Now as I rehearsing my speech, one of my friends, who we will call Debbie B. proved my entire speech. I was diligently going through it and she ran over to me, grabbed my arm, pulled me aside and introduced me to one of her friends. She wanted to introduce me to her friend so badly that had to take me out of whatever I was doing to make the intro. Now that’s amazing Primary Context with meeting her friend and shows how strong of a relationship that I have with Debbie B. In fact, I ended my speech by saying “to prove my point, I want to share a story with everyone of what happened while I was rehearsing my speech, Debbie B. can you share a few words?” And Debbie B. took a mic, stood up and shared the story….then afterwards Debbie apologized to me for not saying enough because she “wanted to say so much more about how amazing I’ve been to her and didn’t want to take the spotlight.” No joke. This happened.

Now, to conclude, Good Luck and Good Relationships.

This cannot be understressed: network, network, network.  If you’re going to start a business, then you’re going to need a lot of friends and a lot of people that want you to succeed.  So who should you network with?  Absolutely everyone that you can find.  There is no one so dumb that you can’t learn something from them. That’s pretty much all I have to say about that! 

So I just got back from the Richmondevents.com Super Cruise. I was planning on blogging live but I didn’t have wireless internet on the ship and instead I got to live like a normal human being without phone, fax or email. It was friggin amazing! I highly recommend detox’ing yourself. It’s refreshing.

The cruise itself was great. It was the CIO Forum, Marketing Forum, HR & Logistics Forums all rolled into one. The way Richmond works is the delegate (buyer) is free to attend as long as they have a multi-million dollar annual budget and the suppliers pay between $20,000-100,000 to be on the ship. The whole event is based around double optin one on one meetings so buyers get to meet suppliers they may want to work with and suppliers get 30-40 meetings with potential clients all once. It’s a super networking event. It also happened to have been the friendliest biz event I ever attended. Everyone was nice and friendly and just looking to make friends. Really cool environment. Also, the food was amazing and the hot tub very nice.

Richmond even ports in these lovely British chics to stand outside of rooms and look pretty (seriously). They are there to be eye candy. No good event is complete without trade show models with British accents. Did I say, I love British Accents.

To Roger, Joel, Shane and co…kudos on a great event. Also, the founder of Richmond, Marc looks like the head doctors on Scrubs.

Some interviews will follow in the next couple of days as I post them up…

Hey so I’ll be press on richmondevents.com cruise this week. It is a cruise with 4 C level events going on. There is the Chief Marketing Officers Forum, Chief Information officers Forum, HR Director and another forum which I won’t name because I don’t remember it. I’ll be interviewing a lot of the attendees and throwing it up on here so expect to hear a lot of what’s happening at the top of corporate America in the coming days. Should be fun. I will be armed with my 1000 misprinted business cards!

So I got a huge compliment today. One of the guys in my office suite stopped me and said he loves my blog - BUT didn’t realize it was me that wrote it! He said he stumbled on it looking for Seth Godin’s BootStrappers Guide Book and loved the folksy manner of this blog - but it didn’t realize for a couple of days that I was the Rich Hecker who worked in the office with him. This is to me is the biggest compliment I’ve ever gotten on this blog. Thank you!  On a side note, 2 years ago, back before anyone really new me in nyc tech (does anyone really know me now?) I was at my very first NY Tech Meetup and Sanford said “hey, i recognize you, I love your www.richhecker.com animated site. That was super cool too.  That was a fun meetup, I ended up out to dinner with Scott Hieferman and 10 other people afterwards. Good times. 

So I was at a panel event that Howard did for NYSIA tonight and I was thinking…do we have any real power brokers in nyc tech? This of course led me to think of the Alley Insider list and also the Peoples’ Choice list which I proudly can say - I came in 5th. My answer is a big fat resounding NO. I don’t think there are any real power brokers in NYC tech - potentially one. So let’s look at what defines a power broker: according to American Heritage Dictionary, 

power broker or pow·er·brok·er   (pou’ər-brō’kər)  n.   A person who exerts strong political or economic influence, especially by virtue of the individuals and votes he or she controls. Then also we have to look at the Seminole Tome “Power Broker” about the life of Robert Moses. Robert Moses if you don’t know controlled and built NYC, he manipulated every mayor and governor for decades and is responsible for most of the bridges and roads in NY. He controlled power. So who controls the power in NYC tech? Is it the entrepreneurs? For the most part no - one mention of the word financing by someone and they usually become sheep.Is it the serial entrepreneurs? Nope. There’s not enough of them and most are too focused on their own startup to exert influence. Is it the investors? Not really, there’s really only one investor NYC that really has the reach and consumer influence and that’s Fred Wilson of course - but he’s one VC and is doing deals for his own firm. David Rose potentially with NY Angels and Angel Soft. Is it the connectors and event hosts? While I’m friends with most of them and am one myself, I don’t think any of us really wield a stick - though we do control a lot of information or deal flow in investor speak, it’s not in a way to really “CONTROL” the market.  Is it the tech analyst’s and bankers like the first time around? Not really. Who can actually name an ibank analyst these days? Which ibankers are known as tech/dot commers? not really anyone in NYC.In theory Scott Hieferman could be one, but he really doesn’t exert his influence beyond his meetup (he could if he chose too). Kevin Ryan is probably the closest thing to it as he has the track record, basically invented the industry that underpins web2 and runs a news service but still we are left with only a handful of people and out of them no one that really controls the underpinnings of our tech society. We have influencers not power brokers. So is there a problem with that? NO! That means anyone can get something done

So i went to the gym tonight for the first time in 2 weeks and figured I’d need a rush so I bought an energy drink - one I had never tried before - RedLine - one of the guys warned me it’s like RedBull X5 so i took it anyway… didn’t effect me for about 40 minutes - until I was leaving the gym, then got drymouth and now feel like a rat on speed - super jittery, hyperactive, wide awake and want to run 100 miles. Luckily, I don’t have my shoes on so I don’t think I’ll go running in the dark and trip over my own feet moving too fast. But a warning - watch out for those energy drinks - sheesh. I had trouble sleeping all week and was like a zombie, reminded me of high school all over again. But tonight, wow, I’m going crazy and thus the many blog posts.

While i’m in this hyper attentive state, I figured I’d muse on the NYC tech/finance scene. Lately, I’ve been lucky enough to get in deep in the community, the alley 2.0 so to speak and count among my friends most of the people that throw events in our great city. Interestingly enough, I started throwing events so I ended up friends with the people that do. Probably is subconsciously intentional. What i’ve realized, is that everyone that has started events in the last year or so fits the same profile, overambitious bootstrapper trying to get ahead and not quite sure why they are throwing events yet know people appreciate them and they are doing well. Also, most of the events, don’t make much money. Some do, most don’t, which is something most attendees don’t realize. Small events such as happy hours and the like don’t make bank - big events like conferences bring home the Bacon though.

Along those lines, people are insulted sometimes when they are charged to go to small events - thinking its charity that someone is spending time & money planning events and also putting their reputation on the line. I mean, it’s very risky throwing events for your reputation. If you throw one bad event you can lose your whole audience. It’s much easier just to be in the crowd and attend, then there’s no risk. For example, I cohost a happy hour series, www.startuphappy.com and we charge $10/$20 at the door.

Someone got angry at me for charging and basically attacked me for charging. First off, we have a bar gaurantee and at startup/investor events no one drinks so we lose money at the bar - quite a bit. Our first Happy Hour lost $1500 - out of a $2000 gaurantee, only $500 was spent across 80 people. The cover helps us break even. We don’t profit from the events - it would be nice though to make a few bucks for the time and reputation risk put in but it’s okay, I have a long term view of building my network and helping people. But just something to keep in mind is that most events actually lose money - few make any money next time you bitch about a cover. If you’re unhappy about it - simply don’t attend or throw your own.

Now, I don’t want to sound like I’m ranting which I suppose I am but it can be frustrating sometimes. I love hosting events and helping people so it’s worthwhile and I hope some good comes out of my events. I’ve also noticed that the more you charge for an event, the more people appreciate it. I suspect it is a level of subconscious belief that because it is expensive, it is good and okay to charge.

I have a bunch of cool events in planning and love helping out with other peoples’ events. I feel in the long run being in the center of the network, the crux of the information flow has its merits. It builds a lot of goodwill and goodwill is important for a scrappy up and comer like me that wants to succeed. Sure, i’ve had my successes & failures in the past but I’m up for another go around. Got lots of stuff in the fire and it seems no matter how much I want to focus, I end up involved in more and more projects. Hopefully, I’ll be able to force myself to focus properly in the next few weeks and I give it a go for my next (hopefully) big thing.

Wow, i’m all over the place tonight. Reminder to self - never drink RedLine again - never.

When you start going to events you start seeing a lot of people over and over again. Considering how small our nyc startup community is, you really can’t afford to screw around unless you are a hermit. If you’re social, everyone gets to know you so far. I mean, come on, how many people are really in this community? Not many. My benchmark is the 5000 on the tech meetup list but most people there are enthusiasts not startuppers or investors. Let’s crunch some numbers.

There is maybe 15 vc funds in nyc, average fund has 6 employees = 90 investors, add in ibankers and other related people that focus on seed stage and maybe we’re at 200, now add in professional angels and we’re at maybe 500 investors. Maybe there is 300 tech companies in nyc, each with 2 founders and 300 people that are top execs so we’re up to 1400 people. Let’s add in random other top tier people and we’re up to 2000. now split that in half as half the people on there are anti-social so we’re left with maybe 1000 people. Now divide that by 10 networking groups and the average has an event once a month, the average person goes to one event a month and 50 people show at the average event, we keep running into each other.

I have good feelings for the community here as a number of organizations are sprouting up and being supported. YVCS.org relaunched and is doing very well. The Hatchery launched a few months ago and is doing very well. My little group is taking off. Tri State Ventures just relaunched. All these groups are thriving. for years there was almost nothing going on and a lot of the original groups are gone - the long standing one being ibreakfast but the guard and tides are changing in a very positive way.

Pick some influential groups with active listservs. In my business its the NY tech meetup. Start a controversy and post to it like crazy. Keep posting. Then post some more. Soon everyone in the industry will know who you are and what you are about. Just be careful - it could backfire - but if done well, it is extremely powerful

Richie

Here’s some random musings from today

1) i introduced 2 people - this is the intro email i sent
“Id like to introduce you two. You are both good people and in LA. Connect, you will get along well.” - now doesn’t this sound like a fortune cookie?

2) Had an amazing dinner tonight with friends, best dinner and conversation i can remember. you guys are all awesome. Its rare when you can have women and men together and talk about strip clubs, sex shops and women. 5 stars to neils: 5 things to know about guys - 5 stars to mia’s Hobbit

3) I came up with a new idea today for what would be the worlds’ most profitable slot machine, here’s the idea - its vegas at its truth - we call it the Slut Machines - they cost $20 per pull (old fashioned pull machine), theres only a handful of machiens in the casino - the casino advertisers that its the worst payout in the world - and it should be a horrible payout - but next to each machine is a showgirl - and one of the prizes you can win is a kiss from the showgirl - (alternatively a real hooker) - they would clean house (pun intended)

4) i love food at angelos in little italy

5) i love how people outside of nyc are impressed that you stand in the street to catch a cab

6) all big companies should offer employees sex therapy - if people knew how to fuck better / women knew how to please themselves better life would be more relaxed - work would be stress free - the world needs more sex and good sex - most problems are caused by people who dont get laid enough - they are usually sour people - also people are more productive when they are happy = keep people happy

7) someone once said Respect is great but fear is when you have power. I’d like to offer my own version. Respect is ok, fear works if you want people to work but if you want true productivity the best motivator is a mixture of greed and good environment - keep people happy and show them how they can make a fortune - and even encourage them to leave and they will want to stay forever and work their tales off (boiler room brokerage attitude is the best motivator of all)

In the last few months I have been all over the place. I have recruited people. I have looked for a job, I have tried to find founders for startups and founding execs. Throughout all my varied searches I learned an important lesson today that all recruiters at companies should grasp.

You are NOT competing with other companies for top executives. You are competing with the person himself. Barriers are so low that any smart person can start a company.

If you want to recruit and retain top talent you need to keep them happy and make them feel they choose to have your job.

Most companies think its about money or its about stock. It’s not. It’s about making a difference. In truth most people are too scared to start their own company but you as the corporate master should make them feel they are choosing you.

Anyway can hire a programmer in india for $800 and build their big idea. What is stopping them from doing that on the side?

The only thing stopping people from doing that is to make them feel like they have a home.

When you are talking compensation and positions, ask the candidate what is their dreams and aspirations and how your company fits in. No one really dreams to be a corporate beaurocrat. Then ask them what kind of compensation they think is fair and what you can do to keep them for 3 years, 5 years, hell even 1 year in todays environment.

Actually provide value to your employees so that they do not think of an alternative. Most people think people should want to work for them because of X, Y, Z and they could be a great place to work but a new recruit doesn’t know this - so instead flip it on its head - and give the person what he wants so he’ll be happy instead of you telling him why he will be happy. It’s a subtle difference. A few questions and a few concessions and then FOLLOWING THROUGH But you will have a much stronger work force and more loyal people as a result.

Some great companies people rarely leave: Google, Bloomberg, 3M, used to be Microsoft, Ritz Carlton etc…..

This post is Dedicated to Steve. You know who you are.

In this post, my goal is to show you how my networking tricks relate to picking up tricks. I talk a lot about the power of networking and I call myself a professional networker but what everyone really wants to know is - ’so he’s this networking guru, fuck him, i bet he can’t get laid!’

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ELSE THERE IS ONE THING TO KEEP IN MIND - BE REAL - BE GENUINE - THESE ARE POWERFUL STRATEGIES, IF YOU ABUSE THEM MIKE TYSON WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN. seriously though, please be a real person, these are just approaches that i have learned that work. Sure by reading this, you could say i’m full of crap that i’m just playing a game - well gentlemen life is a game but all of you that know me, know that i am genuine with all i say and do.

To Start Off, I’d like to say that I have a girlfriend, my Bluey who I love so I don’t need to pick up chics. I also won’t cheat on her because I don’t believe in cheating. But I still pick up girls all the time. I don’t do it on purpose, I just follow the same rules of networking whenever I meet new people and girls like me.

Now, I’m not 6′2, Dark, Body Builder. I’m 5′7, 160, athletic, though I admit I do have stunning eyes. I’m slightly above average. I know this, - you know this - but it doesn’t matter. I can still pick you up.

RULE 1: ALWAYS HAVE A LEAD IN

When meeting someone new, you want to have a way to lead into a conversation. In the Pick up Artist, Mystery calls these sets. I call them lead ins in business. They are what will spark a conversation. Jokes and probing questions are usually effective depending on the situation. For example, �A friend of mine cheated on her BF with another girl, should she tell him?� Or make a joke about the situation you are in. or maybe be a little coy � �So when was the last time a pickup line worked on you?� DO NOT USE A STANDARD PICKUP LINE.

In business this works similarly, don�t ask how you can work together. Ask what they really want to do. Ignore the name of their company and ignore what they currently do, ask them what they would like to do. This is extremely effective way to break down people�s barriers. I will go into more detail in my other rules. Or make a joke about the situation.

The best way to lead in is with a personal introduction which will be covered later.

RULE 2: CONFIDENCE

My first rule is what I just said “I can still pick you up” - It’s CONFIDENCE. Now look how I led into that statement. First I admitted I’m basically average looking, I admitted I am HUMAN. But then I followed it up with a confident statement. If I was the 6′2 dark guy then it would be an arrogant statement and arrogance tends to piss people off but because I led into it with honesty and by stating i’m the underdog, It’s confidence. There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Don’t cross it. Everyone is wary of the slicked back salesman. Everyone likes the person that believes in themselves though. Everyone loves the underdog but roots against the favorite. Use your confidence to make yourself a passionate underdog and people will like you. In a social setting use your confidence to show people you are serious but not uptight, don’t run, walk slowly, don’t start yelling, hold yourself back. Relax but come across like you know your shit. Everyone likes people that know their shit but hate people that talk too much like they know everything. News flash - you don’t know everything so don’t pretend that you do. DON’T BRAG BUT COME OFF WITH PASSION - AND NOT AS A FANATIC!

RULE 3: MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

A very important rule is to make people like you. You don’t have to be the center of attention but you just need to make people like you. There are a number of ways to do this but the easiest is to make people laugh - once. Make an intelligent comical statement about your mutual surroundings. This serves a few purposes, first it shows her that you can listen, because you’re observing your surroundings. Girls love people who listen and observe (though they secretly hate people who fawn). Also if you make someone laugh it’s the key to their heart. Its the best way to break down a barrier. One joke is all you need. One single good funny statement. If you can show a girl how to laugh, there’s a decent shot you can take her home. Don’t go overboard, keep it simple - then start talking and most importantly asking questions - they will like you if you do. This works in business too - if you make people laugh they won’t think you’re another business card whore. Making people laugh makes you the center of attention in a positive way. There’s an old saying for speakers - always lead in with a joke - there’s a reason for it - laughter is the worlds greatest way to relax. When people are relaxed they listen.

RULE 4: OFFER PERCEIVED VALUE

Girls Love Value. Not Money - Value. Offering Value is buying a girl dinner or introducing her to everyone at the party, this is good. The opposite of this is trying to buy the girl as a trophy and show off her legs. This serves the opposite effect. The trophy girl that is only there for your money will never respect you - ever. She respects the beggar in the street more than you because at least the beggar is honest that he wants to buy booze and you are pretending to really want her - when are you want is a lease on her legs.

Now how do you offer perceived value?

Power is a form of perceived value but it only works once. This could be a big job, a lot of money, a nice car, be the host, the social butterfly, the smartest guy in the room, be the sexiest person there, be the most relaxed guy in the room� these are forms are perceived value � these get peoples attention to want to learn who you are. However they only work once, a girl isn�t gong to far for you because you are the VP of Chase. She may be impressed but she won�t fall for you unless you offer something else. Initial perceieved value is how you get attention. Making a girl laugh works very well and doesn�t require any money or social standing. The same works in networking, make people laugh or offer some type of reason people will want to be around you. If all you are is a business card whore, no one will give a shit.

Now the trick to truly picking up girls is offering ongoing perceived value. What is that? This is what makes a girl stay with you for more than 5 minutes. It could be that your good in bed. It could be your funny, it could be your smart. A gorgeous guy that is airhead is not going to get a girl to stay with him if hes not good in bed for the most part (the opposite isn�t true � guys may stay with a hot stupid girl even if she sucks because guys are idiots). It could be that you�re funny. It could be that you keep taking her to the most amazing parties. It could be that your just such a good guy. Offering value once may get her once, if you want a one night stand that�s fine but it won�t work long term. However if you try to buy her � throw money at her � that will be your demise � if at some point you run out of money you no longer offer any value � this is a fake relationship because the value you offer is bought and not based on your own good graces. If a concierge or checkbook is what�s offering her value � then she should be dating the concierge or JP Morgan and not you and if she is � she will leave you when Cornelius Vanderbilt comes along.

In a business setting offering perceived is making people think you can help their careers. Maybe you can be a source of consistent business, maybe yo know a lot of people, maybe you know a lot of employers, maybe you host the events and can connect people to anyone, maybe you can offer deal flow, maybe you can offer people access to capital, maybe you can help people fulfill their dreams. You need to offer people more than just the deal you present at that moment if you want to build a relationship. Networking is not about now, it�s about the long term. Sure you can be a business card whore and strike a deal on the spot � but 99/100 people you meet you won�t be able to do a deal with and you will lose out on 99 potential relationships. Perhaps that 99 relationships could have resulted in 3 deals and 5 friends � that�s a lot better than the 1 deal you got being a business card whore.

Me, i”m a connector. I make introductions that are valuable. Everyone that is my friend knows when they need something they come to ask me and there’s a good chance I put them on the right path to it. Therefore, I am valuable to them. I have friends that want to start a company, they ask me how to build their website, I have friends that are investors, they ask me to forward them deals . I have friends looking for a job they ask me to find them a company or a recruiter. They all trust my opinion and come to me. I actually can offer value. However the way I started this is by offering people things before they asked. That gained their trust. When I meet people I like and have a bond with - I offer introductions, gratis. They ask me what I want for it - I say nothing. In fact sometimes, I say in a Don Corleone sort of way that one day when I need something you’re going to offer to help me back, i’m not even going to ask. And you know what - THEY DO. People offer to help me without me asking now - because I did it for them FIRST. I gave them perceived value. Now it doesn’t matter if my introductions go anywhere - only that they were qualified introductions - whether a deal closes i can’t control - after all I’m not trying to broker it. If you offer perceived value but try to take a cut and broker something you will not build the good will neccessary to be a master connector because if you’re introductions don’t work out you will be blamed for them and you can fast erode your good will for making the connections. When you don’t ask for anything in return then its not your responsibility and people say thank you for being so altruistic.

RULE 5: BE THE PERSON EVERYONE INTRODUCES TO THEIR FRIENDS

This is an offshoot of perceived value. You don�t need to be the most well known or be person with the most people around you but be the person everyone wants to know. Usually this means be the host or I can be the person who if you look at the people around him � their heads are tilted sideways intently listening. Body Language is very important, if you see people standing upright listening they are probably pretending to listen but if you see them with their heads tilted, kind of leaning in, then they are probably really listening. Now you don�t need to be the most well known person but you want to be the person that everyone introduces their friends to. It is much more important to be the person that everyone wants to introduce to their friends then be the speaker or the MC or the big shot. Why? Because a personal introduction is the most valuable way to meet someone new.

The easiest way to pick up a girl is to get her best friend to introduce you. Nothing gets you in the inner circle quicker then a nod and wink from chic to chic. Say you want to pick up the hottest girl in the world, become good friends with her ugliest friend. It works. When you are introduced by someone that they value or like you are now in the door. The same holds true in business � introductions are key. If you want a meeting with a VC, what�s the best way to get it? Go to an event, hear an investor speak then go up to him afterwards? NO. Get to know someone he trusts and get an introduction from someone �in network�. Here in network is someone from the investor/startup community but in life it�s the group of girl friends. You only need to get an introduction once and its worth 1000 cold calls and pick up lines.

RULE 6: ALWAYS LEAVE PEOPLE WANTING MORE

The single most important thing is to know when to quit. Sure you can get this girl interested but you want to either leave with her or leave her at the right time. It�s usually better to leave because trying to sleep with someone when you first met them is a wild card.

Hang out for a bit then go back to your friends, come over again later, talk some more, introduce your friends to her friends and mix it up a bit. If you can merge groups that is very powerful.

However, whatever you do, don�t lay all your cards out on the table at once, don�t talk about the next time you will see her. Talk about the moment and as soon as the moment gets boring excuse yourself, get her number and call her in a few days. Don�t rush. If you rush or try to take a girl home right away � she will smell predator and dump your sorry ass. Sure sometimes the chemistry is right and you can pull it off and its worth it but unless you know the chemistry is right (making out on the couch in the lounge for an hour) don�t try to take her home � it�s not worth the risk. Would you rather kiss her a little today and sleep with her tomorrow then try to sleep with her today and get shot down and never see her again. You also better believe you just killed a shot with any of her friends.

In business talk until it gets boring, don�t try to close a deal the first time you meet someone, leave it so you will meet up with him or her again and talk specifics. You don�t want to kill a potential relationship by trying to fuck them right away. Wait. Move slow and steady. Build a relationship. When I meet people I never try to do a deal. I ask what they need help with and I go home and make some introductions that can help them, then follow up a few days later and try to do a deal myself. The good will I build by making introductions makes it much easier for me to do a deal myself when the time is right. I also don�t push it and don�t rush people so they are more prone to trust me. I always know when to walk away and I always follow up casually and offer help before asking for anything in return.

CONCLUSION:

I hope this was helpful. I�m just trying to pass some of my knowledge back to the world. Share some tips and tricks that I�ve learned and hopefully help people build better relationships in life and business.