The Art of Building Relationships Simplified
So I posted yesterday a blog version of my speech from the Web 2 Meetup. I’ve had a few requests for a simplified version of it so here goes:
The Art of Building Relationships: AKA Networking vs. Picking up Chics … AKA Business vs. Bed Development
The key to life is building relationships. Most people are not good at building relationships so I’m going to talk about the 3 principles of building great relationships and show how all relationships whether Business, Personal or Sexual are really the same. We build them the same ways, the end game is just different but getting to the end zone is exactly the same. People are people.
These principles are about building long term relationships, not short term relationships. If you’re goal is a one night stand or a churn and burn sale then stop reading now. If you’re goal is to build longlasting strong relationships then read on …
The key to successfully using my 3 principles are first and foremost being SINCERE. If you are not sincere in our socially networked world - you will be found out and you will destroy your relationships. Next, you must have confidence and be relaxed. Without confidence people won’t want to be around you and if you aren’t relaxed you may scare people, overwhelm them or just miss the cues & clues going on around you.
The biggest inhibitor to building relationships is that people are naturally scared of people they just met trying to screw them, either in business or sexually. People are scared of being screwed over so the core of my principles are that they will help you build trust and break down the false walls that we set around ourselves.
Now for the 3 principles:
1) Primary Context
2) Separating the people from the product
3) Offer Perceived Value
The first principle is achieving a strong and positive Primary Context. Primary Context is how, where, through whom and under what circumstances you meet someone. There is a huge difference between approaching a girl cold at a bar and getting invited to a private party and being introduced to her by her BFF who says “you are the best guy in the world” when she makes the intro. In business, it’s the difference between meeting someone cold at an open access networking event vs. meeting someone at a private dinner and getting introduced by the host as someone worth talking to. A personal introduction in a private environment is worth meeting 100 people cold. In the world of venture capital, this is why people “in network” of the companies and people they are friends with are taking 10X more seriously than people that send in business plans cold. Making sure your Primary Context is strong is very important to breaking down the barriers and making people want to get to know you opposed to being scared they are going to get screwed. (Maybe, now they want you too! 
2) Separating the Person From the Product: The key to this is to remove the person from their existing environment. Ask questions, don’t speak and definitely don’t sell. People love to talk and hate to listen. This is true for women and its true for men. People love venting. Ask people about their goals and dreams and separate them from the present. The average person would rather dream then be in reality, enable that thought process! Don’t ask someone what they do right now - ask someone what they wish they were doing right now? How is this helpful? Say you were hitting on a girl and you guys don’t click, if you were focused on the immediate transaction, then the odds are your relationship will end right there but if you had a conversation and separating her from the present, even if it doesn’t work with you two, maybe she’ll introduce you to her friends. In business, say you two aren’t a fit to work together right now. If you approached the situation with the goal of doing a deal and it doesn’t work - the relationship is over. If however, you’ve built a real relationship, maybe they’ll introduce you to someone else who could be a client. Separate the person from the situation. And please do not ask someone what they do before asking someone their name - that is a transactional action that will not make people want to be around you - instead ask someone what brings them there and where they would rather be and what they would like to be doing…
3) Offer Perceived Value: There is now to actually offer value since value is subjective and in the eye of the beholder but you need to tailor your value to your prospect and make sure to offer them something they want. This could be that you are hot, this could be that you are funny, this could be that you are good in bed, that you have access to money, are a marketing guru, have a big network, host the events etc… You need to offer something of EXTREME value. Say the girl loves Justin TImberlake - value is not taking her to dinner at his restaurant - anyone can do that. Value is taking her there and getting her introduced to Justin Timberlake. Offer something no one else can in their eyes.
Conclusion:
If you are successful with these 3 principles you will make People Your Promoters and achieve true worth of mouth marketing. The toughest part about word of mouth marketing is how to seed it and these principles will build strong relationships so people talk about you and spread your good word for you.
Case in point: While I rehearsing my speech, a friend of mine who we will call Debbie grabbed me, pulled me aside and said “Richie, I have to introduce to my friend”. This wasn’t on cue - she was so excited to introduce me to her friend that she said to pull me out of my conversation to do it. This is about as good of word of mouth marketing as you can get. She “HAD” to introduce me…and now her friend is my facebook friend too
What do I do? So this is how I accomplish all of the principles and build great relationships… First I only attend events where I am the host or I’m personally invited to the event (and preferably friends with the host). When I meet people, I try to rely on introductions from others and when I talk to people I never tell people what I do, instead I ask them about themselves, why they are there, where they would rather be and what their goals and dreams are, I then offer advice about how they can accomplish those goals and make a bunch of introductions for them. So I had strong primary context, started a conversation about goals and never mentioned a “transaction” and offered value in the form of my advice and introductions. And if you want to know if it works - just ask anyone who knows me what they think of me … the odds are they will be my biggest promoter 
Email This
