Bootstrapper.com - Confessions of Serial Entrepreneurs

So this is the written version of the speech I gave last week at the Web 2.0 Meetup in front of a couple of hundred people. I was asked by a few people for a copy of it and since I didn’t actually have a written speech, I figured I’d do a post recapping it from my head.

The Art of Building Relationships (AKA: Networking Vs. Picking up Chics, AKA: Business VS. Bed Development)

The key to building relationships is being conscious of your surroundings and self-actualizing (according Maslow) what you do. All relationships are the same whether its in business or personal or sexual. The way we build relationships doesn’t change - just the application of the principles. What I’m about to do is cover the 3 key components to building relationships so that you can do more business, build better friendships and find yourself the love of your life.

A buddy of mine that lectures at MIT always says that MIT students have a tendency to have the largest cubicle but never the corner office. This is because they generally are engineers and not engaged enough socially and at the end of the day - the leader is usually the social one that understands how to intelligently work with the people around him, even if he is not the smartest person himself.

Before, I mention the 3 principles, I would like to take a second and explain why in my mind most people are not inclined to immediately trust each other. The average person is scared that everyone they meet is going to screw them, either literally (sexually) , figuratively (in business) or both. This is a subconscious distrust that is inherent in human nature. The goal of building relationships is feeling comfortable around each other so you’re not worried about being screwed. If you can make people trust you, then you’ve achieved something very valuable.

Note these tactics require being sincere, in a socially networked world if you are not transparent you will be caught. Sure, you may get lucky but it won’t last beyond a night stand or a churn and burn sale. If your goal is either of those then this post is not for you.

Next, it’s important to have confidence and be relaxed. If you aren’t confident nothing will work because people want to be around confident people and if you are not relaxed, you’ll miss things and not be able to actualize and realize what’s going on around you. So assuming you are sincere, confident and relaxed (and I know that’s a lot to ask, here are 3 principles of building relationships, making more money and landing the girl or guy of your dreams.

Now the 3 principles are: 1) Primary Context 2) Separating the people from the product 3) Offer Perceived Value. So what do these principles actually mean?

1) Primary Context: Primary context is the holistic situation around how you meet a person. How you got to place where you met, through whom you met the person, your first impression, your first touch experience etc… Most people just think about a first impression when in reality that is only a tiny piece of the pie. It is important to meet people in the best situation as possible. For example, if you are at a private invite only event and get introduced to someone by the host it is far more valuable and you have a far better chance of building a relationship then meeting someone at an open access party cold. In a dating scenario, would you rather the hostess of an exclusive party introduce you to the birthday girl, her BFF as the most incredible person in the world or would you rather meet someone cold at a bar. It’s a no brainer.

After the initial introduction, the way you come off, your mannerisms, your speech, your dress, the first time you make a connection (not just an impression) with a person are all important and part of primary context. The goal is to create the best Primary Context for yourself as possible.

What do I do? I generally only attend events where I’m the host or where I’m friends with the host. Then I go over to the host and ask them who I should meet and ask them to make an introduction. That gives me instant credibility or I’m the host then I’m the center of attention. Everyone always wants to surround the host and I’ve written before about the Host Halo Effect where no matter what if it’s a good event, the host comes off as king. If this is a personal scenario, I will go to the person throwing the party and say “introduce me to your friends”. Then I will proceed to be me and hope I can charm people with my sincerity, intelligence, humor etc… Remember, it’s not about impressions its about Primary Context.

2) Separate the people from the product: one of the biggest mistakes people make is that they talk about themselves and try to sell things before they build a relationships. This is called business card whoring. You know what I’m talking about. Most people go around and saying “Hi, I’m Richie, can I have your wallet?” and of course you’re not naturally inclined to give it. A lot of times I see people ask what someone does before asking their name. Personally, I try starting a conversation before asking a persons name because the best chance you have at creating a great First Touch Experience is before you even know their name. While you are still mysterious, you have the chance of greatest impact. When people meet each other they make a split second decision of whether they like the person (both personally and sexually) and in general I’d rather have that person intrigued and interested before telling them who I am. That’s an advanced technique, however, the simple solution is to ask questions, get to know someone, make them laugh, offer insight etc… instead of telling people what you do. What you want to do is separate the person from the product they are selling, separate the person from their day to day reality. Ask someone if they are happy, what are their goals, dreams etc… and allow them to dream. If you allow people to dream, they think of how you can help them accomplish their dreams, which is far more valuable then how you can help them today. People want a reason to escape reality - not a reminder that you are there to sell them something. And if you’ve ever listened to a female speak, it’s pretty clear they like when guys ask them questions and listen. In fact, men like talking too! One of the best ways to get a love interest to like you is simply to ask questions and let them speak. No one really cares what you have to say

How do I do it? I never sell anything.  I rarely ever volunteer how we can work together before getting to know the person. I simply talk and carry a conversation. I always ask people about their goals and dreams and where they want to be. People know where they are right now, they don’t need to be reminded but 9/10 people would love to talk about where they want to be. And I never ask people what they can do for me, in fact most people don’t even know what I do

3) Offer Perceived Value: Now this is the hardest and most elusive of the 3 principles. I know it’s not easy but you must actually offer people value. Now, there is no way to guarantee to offer value since value is subjective and you can’t control what people value but you need to offer that specific person someone that they value. It may be worthless to you but something that they value. Value could be your sexy, you’re pretty, you’ve got a great body, you can dance, you’re a connector, you’re an investor, you have access to people, you always know the good parties etc… you offer something that someone wants. If you don’t, then sorry, what value do you offer that that person actually wants to talk to you again. And please don’t tell me how your widget is amazing and that’s the only value you offer. The most valuable perceived value intangible things, stuff people remember not just use.

How do I do it? I have a policy that I will spend a half hour talking to anyone about anything. Whether its a business issue or personal or reviewing someones startup or helping someone rewrite a resume - I will spend a half hour with anyone. Personally, I’m flattered they value me and happy to lend a hand. I do this for free and generally volunteer my help before people even ask. And if the person is legitimate and I think may be able to offer me perceived value in the future, I will make introductions. I will make introductions without strings attached and usually I will make dead on introductions and more than one. People don’t value one introduction. If you are going to make introductions, make multiple - overwhelm the senses with your perceived value. Now I give people my time and open up my network without asking for anything and usually without even people knowing what I do. I ask and offer help before telling people about me. In fact, most people don’t even know what I do. Why do I do it? Because one day when I need something these people will be there for me and volunteer to help. Contrary to popular opinion, most intelligent people don’t actually like free things and are inclined to ask “how can i help you back?”. Most people naturally aren’t inclined to help but if you help them first without asking for anything, they naturally are inclined to go out of their general nature and try to help you back.

Now, if you’re successful with these 3 principles then People will Become Your Promoters! You will trigger word of mouth  marketing on a level so strong, that your initial relationships will be great and every person you are introduced to will instantly trust you and want to get to know you. Word of Mouth Marketing is great but you need to Seed it - this is the best way to seed it by building relationships with people who then become your greatest marketers.

Now as I rehearsing my speech, one of my friends, who we will call Debbie B. proved my entire speech. I was diligently going through it and she ran over to me, grabbed my arm, pulled me aside and introduced me to one of her friends. She wanted to introduce me to her friend so badly that had to take me out of whatever I was doing to make the intro. Now that’s amazing Primary Context with meeting her friend and shows how strong of a relationship that I have with Debbie B. In fact, I ended my speech by saying “to prove my point, I want to share a story with everyone of what happened while I was rehearsing my speech, Debbie B. can you share a few words?” And Debbie B. took a mic, stood up and shared the story….then afterwards Debbie apologized to me for not saying enough because she “wanted to say so much more about how amazing I’ve been to her and didn’t want to take the spotlight.” No joke. This happened.

Now, to conclude, Good Luck and Good Relationships.